Are You A Bellend?

Some people are born bellends. Some have bellendness thrust upon them. Others achieve bellendness.

Are YOU A Bellend?

Take this quiz to find out.

1) Your Neighbour is washing their car. Do you:

A) Bid them good morning, then go about your business, leaving them to go about theirs.

B) Wonder why they’re going to the trouble of washing it themselves when those nice swarthy chaps down the road will do it for £4.

C) Shout “You can do mine next!” then just stand there, grinning inanely, like a bellend.

2) It's lunchtime, and a colleague asks if you would like them to bring anything back from the shops. Do you:

A) Give them a fiver, ask them to get you a meal deal and get themselves something with the change.

B) Thank them, but decline as you’ve got some soup.

C) Shout “A bunch of fivers from the till!” then stand there, grinning inanely, like a bellend.

3) A colleague asks if you’d like a beverage. Do you;

A) Accept their offer. The usual: black coffee.

B) Politely decline. You’re drinking too much coffee lately and it’s affecting your sleep and making you twitch.

C) Shout “Double gin and tonic!” and then just stand there, grinning inanely, like a bellend.

4) A colleague tells you about their upcoming holiday. Do you;

A) Listen to their plan, and wish them a good vacation.

B) Engage with them, swapping anecdotes about a similar holiday that you’ve experienced.

C) Shout “Ooh, can you fit me in your suitcase?” then just stand there, grinning inanely, like a bellend.

5) You find out that it’s a colleague’s birthday. Do you;

A) Give them a gift that you’ve carefully selected, like you do every year.

B) Contribute £3 to their collection.

C) Shout “21 again?”, not realising that this statement is absurd and illogical, then just stand there, grinning inanely, like a bellend.

6) You hear someone singing to themselves. Do you;

A) Wish they’d stop, but feel secretly resentful that they’re expressing joy.

B) Think that it’s wonderful that they’re expressing joy.

C) Shout “I wondered why it’s been raining!” then just stand there, grinning inanely, like a bellend.

7) You notice that your colleague has made a particular effort with their workday attire, donning a suit instead of the usual skinny jeans and open collar shirt. Do you:

A) Compliment them on their appearance. They’ve clearly made an effort and it’s nice for them to feel recognised.

B) Not mention it, but be mindful to treat them with a slightly elevated level of dignity and respect.

C) Shout “What have you got? A court date?” Then just stand there, grinning inanely, like a bellend.

8) A colleague is at their desk 15 minutes earlier than their usual start time. Do you:

A) Not mention it at all.

B) Mention it in passing, but don't make a big deal of it. Offer them a coffee/tea.

C) Shout "Did you SHIT THE BED?" Then just stand there, grinning inanely, like a bellend.

9) It's raining heavily on arrival to work. Do you?

A) Feel thankful that you'd placed a waterproof and an umbrella in your car, and then go about your day.

B) Think that it's yet more evidence of Climate Change, vow to do some more research into how your carbon footprint can be reduced.

C) Go up to a colleague, point out of the window, shout "Have you been singing again?!" then just stand there, grinning inanely, like a bellend.

How did you score?

Mostly A’s:

You might want to lighten up a bit. Let your hair down once in a while.

You’re not a bellend.

Mostly B’s:

If people catch you on a good day, you engage well, but you’ve got a busy schedule to maintain.

You’re not a bellend.

Mostly C’s:

You’re a proper bellend.